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2002-08-14 - 1:03 a.m.

moment of peace and clarity
i forgive you, do you forgive me?

this might be important
i am a strange lamb sometimes. something wrong happened that year i lived with chris and i think it's taken me this long to sort it all out-the funny depression-chewing life and never tasting, always hungry-never satisfied. the funny anger that never really found its right place.

but things are different now. lately i've been thinking about coming back to truth. accepting reality. learning not to lie to myself. that i can't save anyone. that power comes controlling myself not controlling others. and the funny thing is i knew it all before, but somehow i forgot. somehow with breakups and lost love, hormones & acid & ultram, sadness and sadomasochism- i forgot what a really cool guy told me a long time ago. "abbey you're a smart girl, but sometimes you don't act like it". and if i am indeed a clever girl it only matters if i behave like a clever girl. and i'll put that in a box with me to take to oxford, i'll put it in the one with all my big socks and favorite books-where it belongs-with the important stuff.

note: do not be alarmed

i am moving on thursday and my old computer is still not fixed yet, so do not have a panic attack if my entries for the next week are infrequent. i will try to get it fixed as soon as possible.

i got more new stuff for my apartment. a striped throw, two chinese lanterns, a wastebasket with pink stuff inside, and some floaty candles. i am excited and nervous. i want to go get in the bath. i will miss my room. i am strange about nests. it takes me a while to get used to new nests. i never did quite get used to sleeping at the apartment. it was never really home for me. i hope i can make this place home. these transitions are tough on me.

baah