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2002-01-31 - 9:58 p.m.

today is starting over. with a big hole in my head, dripping down so that everyone can see. my public wound. �one day at a time,� my mother says. and triggers me to take everything in tiny horrible steps. each task becoming more cumbersome than the last. i can look forward to an eternity of days, doing everything in the smallest increments possible to prevent breakdown. brushing my teeth, one stroke at a time.

i am listening to radiohead, what else? feeling numb and impotent so it works. everyone�s been calling, maybe it�s the car crash effect. just can�t stop staring at this grotesque thing. i just can�t stop playing the video in my mind. trying to figure out how all this is really truly happening. i ran into josh neal at school today. i wanted to kill him. i�m not going to write about it. it will just anger me. i know he can�t understand the situation. this is all i can manage right now.

baah